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| this weekend is surreal. i'm questioning it's existance. i realize that i haven't been talking much around people, with the exception of my mom and her friend. i guess i feel lame and forgotten by some. i love my friends though, even if i don't see them that often. or even if i do. i'm just feeling numb and noticing how unattached i am when i compare it to past relationships and remember how attached i was. i'm in love with my cat.
my phonesucks. i think i hate it. it's a stupid reminder and i hate it hate it. i don't want to write something extremely emotive because fuck you, this is lame. it's lame but helpful because i know what i'm feeling is being heard by someone. which is satisfying i guess.
i feels, smells, looks, like summer. if summer's going to be like this weekend, i dont know how much i'm looking forward to it. i need to set out on a spy mission, seriously. something needs to be solved.
my chair is comfortable.
i swear people are out doing something and i wish i could watch and copy and write down and draw it. it's a shame my neighbor finally covered up his windows. damn those blinds.
what is actually satisfying is playing loud music at night. when you know it should be turned down. and the piano. i love it when the residents of my household are outside at night around the fire giving me a chance to play the piano and play whatever the hell i want to. so i do, and i like it!
i like islands because they sound happy and fool you into thinking it's the unicorns. but it isnt, damnit!
why is this night so bittersweet? why have you forgotten? why am i like, not there. i am, and i feel like a lost girl. i actually feel like a little girl tonight. i'm doing what i did when i was little. sit around and listen to the wind in the trees and then think of other people's lives at the moment. i love other lives and how they are lived. isn't it interesting thinking of what everyone is doing, how they're feeling, how their mind works? why do we say and do the things we do? i love it and i wish there was a career that i could have fun in involved in analyzing lives in different areas and conditions. i can only think of a spy for that though.
i had a piano recital today. i was really sad at first. the room was filled up with families and kids with their parents and i drove there alone. i had to dress formal and it felt like too long until my two supporters arrived. sitting in a full room alone makes a person lonely.
hfghfdkdfjhgjklsdkjfgh.
see, how long has it been since my last ranting about the downside of life? i can't see my last entry but i'm guessing about two weeks? that's pretty good... whatever.
"oooo i'm so highschool. look at me, i'm just a fucking sophomore. this entry is highschool." fuck you. i'm sick of feeling like im being constantly looked down on. i need out. | | |
| i usually write in this when i'm in a bad mood. it's 'cause i dont have anyone to tell it to. i do, but i don't. i don't even need to prove myself. i'm a fucking sophomore, and they aren't. i do things that nobody cares to ask, nobody cares. nobody that should care at least. am i being used? i can't tell anymore. am i just a cute little rug to sit on the floor until you move? and then, forget about it... they're all waiting.
you know what? i got into mcad. after that? i have plans. i'm not sharing though, so i'd back off. i'm using my brain and expanding myself and my knowledge. and it's on my time, on my path, my plans, so i don't expect you to understand. this is me, i'm learning and growing. and i feel like being alone. the summer nights will be me in my car, finding a happy place. i just want to be alone. in class, i want to sit alone. i usually do though. i want a job where i know nobody. it's just time to start over with myself, or expand on what i've got. school needs to end, i need to begin.
if you think this is a sign, a signal, it probably is. georgi is alone and she likes it. maybe i'll move to the mountains? maybe i dont need isolation, just someone really... dynamic. but i already have a few of those people in my life. and you women should know who you are.
this has been an entry of contradiction. thanks, and join me next time on The Venting Hour | | |
| it's this tired sob that comes out of nowhere.
i wish i could shut off my brain.
all i can do is know everything will be alright. tomorrow will end soon enough. stress will go down, then i can focus on being happier again.
and dammit, i'm working hard for this so i best be accepted. or i'll be forced to beat someone's ass... | | |
| the strokes are beautiful. in person, it is amazing. they are no longer an object to me, but actual people! who really do smoke while playing drums and hug a lot and turn their backs to the audience and have curly crazy hair or long poofy hair or stand there and don't do much because one of them is pretty focused on his bass, or screaming into the microphone and eyes open wide...
oh man! gah! i'm still in recovery from that. but there was a dark side. all of those drunk old people rubbing up on beth and i. nauseating. but nonetheless, it was beautiful. and thats the only word to sum the whole night up. | | |
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